Here it is. It's the year 2017.
This is a big year. How can that be, you ask? In the year 2016, we did just about every "adult" thing one can do. We had a baby. We bought a car (the Toyota Camry wasn't going to cut it for our growing family). We decided if we were going to buy a car (2016 Toyota Highlander that I LOVE), we definitely wouldn't buy a house. Then we bought a house. The funny thing about that is we did SO much car research, test drove a few options and still didn't make a decision on a car before Ellie arrived; we saw the house once and put an offer on it the next day. We bought a John Deere riding lawn mower for our the almost acre of land at our new house, and have gone to Home Depot at least twice a month since we moved in. We completed our first home project, which was tearing up all of the existing landscaping in front of the house, replacing it with new, shorter plants that would not grow as tall, and installed decorative rock instead of mulch. Whew. After accomplishing all of that in 2016, it does seem a bit silly to say 2017 will be a "big year".
This year is a big year for a very different reason, and it's not that this is the last year I will spend in my 20s (though that is pretty huge and slightly depressing). This April marks the 10 year anniversary of mom passing. Ten. Years. An entire decade spent without my mother. All of my adult life up to this point spent without my mother. She didn't see me grow as a person throughout college, graduate from Virginia Tech with a Bachelor's of Science degree in HNFE then decide to take a completely different career path and attend VCU for teaching. She didn't see me graduate with a Master of Teaching degree. She missed our engagement (which ironically enough happened on the date of my parents wedding anniversary). She wasn't here to help me plan for a wedding, and she missed seeing her first daughter as a bride. She missed us moving to the town she grew up in for Michael's first division one head coaching position. She's missed three seasons of Radford Women's basketball (which she would have absolutely loved coming to). She wasn't here when I got pregnant with Harper to tell me I can be a mom and will be a great mom just like she was. She missed the birth of both of our wonderful children and the chance to brag about her beautiful grandbabies. She missed all of the amazing things we accomplished last year. And it sucks. It still sucks. Ten years later, I still struggle with it. I struggle for multiple reasons. I want my girls to know what an amazing woman their grandmother is. I want them to understand why I am as strong as I am. I struggle because with her not here, the only grandparent they have from my side of the family is my dad. He is a wonderful, sweet man who was a great provider for us. But there are times when he doesn't do things I think a grandparent would be happy to do, and I think to myself how lucky he is to know his grandchildren because mom never got the chance to, and then think how different it would be if she were here. She would be the best grandmother and I know Harper and Ellie would love spending time with grandma Jojo just as much as she would enjoy spending time with them.
It's also really hard to be a parent. Now being a parent, I know just how much work goes into raising children. I feel like I have worked so hard, and Harper isn't even 2.5 years old. Mom worked REALLY hard to get the three of us to where we were when she left us. And I hate she isn't here to witness all of her hard work pay off and see just what we have become, and get the chance to finally "be friends" with her kids. I can't help but feel green with envy seeing my friends doing fun adult things like shopping, going on trips, or just spending time with their mom (thanks social media) and just wonder what that feels like. Although I do have to say, I am very lucky to have amazing aunts who I can experience things like that with, but it's just not the same.
When I think about the past 10 years and how I have made it without her, I realize how blessed I am to have such wonderful people in my life. I was a freshman in college when she passed. College is a time when people really start to figure out who they are on their own, and may think they still don't need that parental guidance, but they do. I didn't have that, and at times I was an emotional mess. I had the BEST friends and roommates who couldn't truly understand what I was going through but they didn't even try; the only thing I needed and the only thing they did was love me on my good days and my bad. There were times I know I wasn't very nice to them. But they loved me anyways. There were times I was envious of their families and their relationships with their mothers, and they loved me anyways and even brought me closer, inviting me home with them for the holidays. There were times I tried new things just trying to figure out who I was, and they supported me and always had my back but never let me stray too far. Losing my mother at age 19 was a terrible thing to experience, but I will forever be grateful for those around me who helped me through those good days and bad. And I know I wouldn't be where I am in life without those people in my life, for not only did they support me then, but continue to support me and even send flowers on the anniversary of her passing every year to let me know they always have my back.
I owe a big thank you to all of my family and friends for loving me through it all. Let's do this 2017.
** Edited after crying through an episode of This Is Us-May we all continue to make something resembling lemonade with even the sourest of lemons life has to offer. I love and miss you Jojo.
